First, for the fans, the ending: Mr. CGI Josh Brolin as Thanos – the uncanny valley, personality-wise, of villains – wins and kills half the universe. Certain heroes die, and that’s like really amazing and wow, I can’t believe that they did that and all I had to do was sit through fucking thing.

Sorry, when I said ‘for the fans,’ I meant the fans of me. There are eight and I’m five of them. If you really want some spoilers, I should tell you who died. They are, in order, I don’t care, I don’t remember and ZZZ…the Sleep Bringer!

Anyway, now you don’t have to see it and/or I’ve improved the experience of seeing it. The film is more than aware that the ending is the only interesting thing about its featureless 150 minute running time, and the ending is about as interesting as the word ‘interesting’.

And I wasn’t even going to say anything, because what could be more important than my finishing a piece about another crap film that Mr. Wes Anderson made.

But wallowing afterwards, I sought out a bad review, hoping for some kind of ‘a-ha’ confirmation. When we know we’re wrong, we seek others to confirm we’re right. If it works for scripts, it works for me.

But, review-wise, nothing. Avengers: They Actually Put ‘Infinity’ in the Title of an Interminable Film is as well-reviewed as the actually excellent Thor: Ragnarock and Spiderman: Homecoming. Someone must speak for the outliers. For the fans.

Of me. Of me.

I sort of knew what I was getting into in this Love Boat of superhero films, but I don’t think I expected to actually yell, ‘Oh my Christ, I’m so BORED.’ This was actually the fifth time I had said this aloud, and I think I was trying to get the film to hear me. I was surprised and a little embarrassed at how audible my own voice was and shut up from there on in.

There were still 70 minutes to go.

When typing ‘so bored’, as I did many times, it autocorrected to ‘so beard’. What is it trying to tell me?

There’s a lot to hate about this film, but I just want to focus on the most annoying aspect, the one that no one else will. Technically it’s one annoying aspect repeated five times, but let’s hope I don’t made the same mistake as the film.

There are seven, collect ’em all seven, stones that CGI Mr. Josh Brolin must collect. Each time he does, threatens to kill someone, no really, each time, gets another one, then finally, after oh so much time, wins and kills half the universe. That’s the ending, I don’t remember if I mentioned that, but I do remember that I don’t care. I can’t be sure, as I don’t care.

The I, Robot Rule states that it is perfectly acceptable to risk all of humanity to save one person. One could say that this is a particularly American conceit; it is, after all, the cornerstone of that country’s defense policy. But everyone believes that their version of us-ness is more awesomest than your version of them-ness, so fuck all y’all.

It can be posed as a question, as in should I sacrifice myself for others? The only one who got this right was Spock. Which tells you all you need to know about humanity. That it knows how to write a character like Spock, so maybe not so bad as I would have it.

Usually, as in the case with many films including Avengers: Inifitiment, it is not a question, simply a given – you always kill millions to save one. Because he’s like in love, or you’re hurting him, or something. And this would be bad enough and boring enough, but it happens TWELVE TIMES.

Now watching Die Hard 4 (the good one), as I do, and it’s a clichéd scene: give me the codes or I’ll kill her. Afterwards, I’ll probably kill you. It’s irrational, but works because the stakes are small: some money and your own life.

In Avengers, keeping in mind that this happens forty seven times, the stakes are always the entire universe, meaning the people who choose one over trillions, well, possibly not so nice. If these were the guys on the boat to Omaha Beach, we’d all be speaking English by now.

What? It’s the best language. It was inevitable. Even Glecknor-17 agrees. We lost to them years ago.

Many problems are from this single one, not leastways an army of black soldiers dies so one extremely white dude might live and his girlfriend not be sad. The best way to have the audience not notice this is simply to steamroll through and not mention it, and steamroll they do.

Unfortunately, as my vocal self unconsciously found, it is the samey-ness that kills the film. This is besides the boring, unrelatable villain, the hyper-seriousness combined with forced jokiness, and the fact that every character has the power to do anything unless they don’t feel like it.

Oh right, the final contradiction: being about the end of all existence is generally boring. Gravity, exactly twenty seven times the film this was, is about the survival of one person. And you care.

Instead, a conclusion where half the superheroes die (including That Guy! No! Not That Guy!) manages somehow to be both too grim, and ultimately meaningless, as we know that the properties, sorry, characters…

…characters…

…will come back life to in the next agonizing four years of connective tissue that now is our general excuse for narrative. Up until the ending which serves only to demonstrate how profound the Marvel executives can be, well, not can be, but can be perceived, we have thirty two short films about people who don’t give a shit about anything about but themselves.

The effect is not unlike the I(S)Q rule for ethics. Superheroes unwilling to make tough decisions, over and over and over again, don’t engender much goodwill or interest. Just good reviews.