Jupiter Ascending

You and Kane are officially skyjackers again, whatever that is or means.


Who am I kidding? You ain't gonna see it. Here's everything that happens.
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Reported on 9th of February, 2015

Jupiter Ascending

9 February 2015 @ The Cineworld Brighton


$18.00 or, if one must be prosaic, and one must... 
★ ★ ★ ★ ★

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I liked Jupiter Ascending, and only just now realizing that this is the film Self/Less wanted to be. Instead of a mealy mouthed half-guilty rich guy who feels half-bad about some guy whose body he may or may not have stolen, our extremely silly decadent planet rulers simply evaporate whole planets to get a halfway decent skin peel.

They are not messing around, and by that, I mostly mean all the fetish outfits and kangaroo mutation ears. JA is the heir apparent to Flash Gordon in all the best ways. It is nowhere near the level of either Speed Racer or even Cloud Atlas, but it is unapologetic camp, and I had a great time.

And they had funny ears to represent that they were part wolf or wombat or something. Awesome!

And they had funny ears to represent that they were part wolf or wombat or something. Awesome!

Though details follow shortly, one thing flashes its fabulousness out from the dark of the stage: Mr. Eddie Remayne’s rendition of:

‘I create life

…and destroy it.’

I can’t believe this isn’t a meme. This would have killed his Oscar chances if there was more than one person that actually saw it. And that one person loved it, and would have given him the Oscar. Way to go!

You should see it. It’s not good, but it’s nuts, utterly fun, and for lack of any other reason, the Siblings Wachowski did create an original vision. Here’s something: even though it’s filled to the brim with clichés like secret princesses, and Mr. Sean Bean starting out as good then…turning Judas?, you will not be able to predict what’s going to happen next. Yes, it’s all about stopping a wedding, but when it does so, it does so with giant mech fights. There are guys at consoles, sure, but they’re half-elephant hybrids, and when they cheer to indicate to the audience that something has happened, they go: ‘RRRRARRRIRRRR!’ Whatever the plot holes and tropes are drywalled nicely by a lot of stuff going on. The money’s up on the screen.

Who am I kidding.  You ain’t gonna see it. Here:

The Take

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Profits!
If you’re going to be super decadent alien planet guys, wear capes that go all the way to the floor.
$2.00
Working class montage. Whence since 9 to 5?
$2.00
You would think that Alien Dwarf Abortion Doctors are pretty okay…
$1.00
…but when you add a pic taken on an iPad, it spikes the needle.
$4.00
Infinity pool in front of Jupiter. The planet.
$3.00
A bureaucratic montage. I can’t explain this. You have to see it. The film spends an odd amount of time getting its paperwork right. The fact they they think this is funny and the depths to which it is absolutely not funny goes all the way around the bend and becomes funny again.
$2.00
There are chandeliers in the space dock.
$2.00
Read that again. There are chandeliers in the space dock.
$4.00
In the end, he marries his mom. Yep.
$1.00
In the non-camp column, it’s not unlike the recent Mad Max: every detail is fussed over. If you paid less than $100 million to see this, stop complaining…
$4.00
Total Profits
$25.00
Losses!
…that it is, of course, a nonsensical mess.
$4.00
It pains me, but the Siblings Wachowski have lost their touch re: the Narrative Action Sequence. The stuff in the first Matrix movie still haunts us. It’s a lot of pretty, and expensive, flash, but without any rules, what’s the point?
$3.00
Total Losses
$7.00

$18.00

My God, why are you not seeing this movie RIGHT NOW?????

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