The Mummy (2017)

Finally. Someone solved the immigration problem.


What's thrilling about this terrible, terrible idea, is the number of levels on which it manages to flounder.
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Reported on 6th of July, 2017

Like Transformers 5, I wanted so much to like The Mummy, and tried to give it so many doubt benefits. She’s an immigrant and I’m liberal…with my hatred. Not of immigrants, just uninspired filmmaking. I don’t know why anyone hates immigrants. Some of them are cute.

The Mummy (2017)

28 June 2017 @ The Curzon Victoria


$1.00 or, if one must be quotidian, and one must... 
★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

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Editor’s Notes: Having spent the last five weeks dealing with…things, I walked out of Baby Driver and realized I had only seen four films whilst out of the country: Wonder Woman, Transformers: The Last Knight, The Mummy and the aforementioned. As I head back to desirous France, the depressing realization: Transformers 5 was the best of the four, and it ain’t good.

In keeping with the wishes of my small audience, I will post each piece separately, over the next days. Continually perverse, I’m posting the third one of four second.

‘That’s a pretty good idea’ I would write, desperately. And sometimes it was a good idea. Keeping the evil mummy in a mercury tomb is nicely visual, and actually smart from a horror point of view. It sets up the sense of dread, and when our leads inevitably – though limply – disturb the protection, We know what’s going to happen, and know why that they don’t.

The film, sadly, continued. At idea 725, you get what one does usually with those Lost Hydra types – everything is left in. The only thing different in retrospect is the distribution of random. The human in us wants a nice easy, repetitive pattern: bland, bland, bland, huh, eh, wha, trailer moment, bland, bland, huh, eh, wha, trailer moment, Tom Cruise running, bland and so on.

But the reality of random is clusters. See enough movies, and I have, and you’ll get some front load. Mummies that make zombies (notes include ‘Please raise a zombie army. Please raise a zombie army’ and they do. Then they kinda forget about. I think forgetting about it was somehow idea 853) and mercury and the best friend from American Werewolf in London are at the front, and have some fun potential.

As the randomizer wears on, there is the simultaneous realization that you’re hitting the shitty part of distribution plot. You know you’re in trouble when it’s an underwater medieval zombie knight subway movie. There are a lot of dots, and sadly the bits that could have been funny require someone who is.

I did actually sit in the trailers for the wrong cinema and saw 35 agonizing minutes of ads. When I realized my mistake at seeing the Wonder Woman slug, I hopped over to the equally small theatre 5. I felt like an idiot until I realized The Mummy had just started. 35 minutes of ads is now de facto in the UK.

Case in point. We learn, and this is quite a way in, that there is a Monster Squad, protecting us from evil and whatnot throughout the centuries. Must have stole that from Transformers 5. Potentially interesting, and if that’s your movie, go for it, and cut the first 45 minutes. Or just cut the first 45 minutes and let me go get some cake. After the chocolate I already had for the movie. I’m hungry for some unknown reason!

Sadly, Our Let’s Revive The We Already Own The Rights Universal Monster Squad has a second, more significant goof, in multiple senses of that word. It is headed by Mr. Russell Crowe, and Mr. Crowe is playing, well…he’s playing Dr. Jekyll.

What’s thrilling about this terrible, terrible idea, is the number of levels on which it manages to flounder. The mind attempts to countenance: first, it is blatantly silly from an audience perspective, as in ‘Wait, which movie are we watching now? Is this the part where they turn Howard the Duck from Star Wars into an autobot?’

‘Technically, he transforms into an autobot.’

I’m not sure how I was able to whisper this to myself during the film. It think I may have been a ghost…of myself!!!!

But let’s think about this from within the film itself, where this new addition really…uh ‘dulls’? ‘Unshines?’ ‘Manages to absorb every spectrum of light’? Sure. I learned verbosity…by silently observing and then incorporating the example into my own lexical system…from you!

This serves as our warning, or at least a glimpse into the solipsistic word our filmmakers inhabit: where the inexplicable are in charge. Their job is to entertain us but without a demonstrable smidgen of imagination, they do what they have done before: describe what they see. And Hyde in charge of the monsters is not far off base.

If you’re trying to collect a bunch of monsters, the one person you would not elect is the one that’s both a monster himself and seems to change into a monster whenever is the worst time. When Mr. Crowe Hydes-out exactly this at the moment when the Mlle. Sofia Boutella (using French as the lingua franca of Algeria rather than the cumbersome asseyyidda) escapes and gets all killy.

You might give the film credit that a stupid idea has a secret twist, that being all Hyde-y, Mr. Crowe is able to do something that a normal human cannot. Instead there is much CGI and running around and Mlle. Boutella escapes.

Instead this additional terrible idea that can only lead to negative consequences leads to…negative consequences. It’s like if the twist was…the jail has no bars! And then the prisoners escape. Or if movies were always bad…and someone was there to see them!

This serves as our warning, or at least a glimpse into the solipsistic word our filmmakers inhabit: where the inexplicable are in charge. Their job is to entertain us but without a demonstrable smidgen of imagination, they do what they have done before: describe what they see. And Hyde in charge of the monsters is not far off base.

The Take

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Profits!
My favorite part of the movie can only occur having seen it three weeks after its predictably disastrous opening: Mr. Cruise, now some kind of Mummy himself (at the ending we’re at quadruple digits on ideas here) and doing stuff, rides off into a sequel that will never, ever come to be. I always root for the underdog. Hey, someone should try making a movie with someone like that as a character!
$3.00
If they had picked Mlle. Boutella kissing people to raise an zombie undead army in England as their movie, that would be something to watch.
$2.00
Total Profits
$5.00
Losses!
Mr. Jake Johnson’s casting reminded me of Mr. Ryan Reynolds in Life – we’ll cast someone funny as the comic sidekick part! Whew. Now we don’t have to write funny lines. He’ll just smirk or something!
$2.00
As we reach the ending, the filmmakers have no choice but to make up rules, and then tell us what they are. Telling us that Mr. Cruise has sacrificed himself is of course the substitute of showing. In a way I should be grateful at having been told, for at this point there was simply no knowing what in living shit was going on.
$2.00
Total Losses
$4.00

$1.00

Thoughts on The Mummy (2017)

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  1. Papineau says:

    I love reading your blog but hate writing comments… stop guilting me.

  2. Scott Scott says:

    Comments make it seem like I’m popular, person I don’t know.

    Also – Guilt is life!

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