Look, I’m not going to punch Wes Anderson in the face, despite the record smashing  backpfeifengesicht he possesses.  I’m merely underlining two things: how he makes me feel, or rather how I think he would make me feel if he was punched in the face, I was there to see it, and I was the one doing it, and two, the difficulty one encounters when dealing with the detached ironic.  You see, I think the Mr. Anderson would have exactly the opposite of a satisfying reaction.  Punch – ‘that was for Moonrise Kingdom motherfucker’, I would do, and then say.  Mr. Anderson wouldn’t even have the decency of an ‘I get that a lot’.  No, I fear it would be: ‘Fisticuffs!  This is fantastic!  One could surely build a delightfully symmetrical montage of 1980s schoolboys returning to the ways of hand-to-hand contests of yore!  “Put up your dukes”, they might cry aloud.  And that’s just off the top of my head!’

Argh; where’s the satisfaction in that?  The point of revenge isn’t to tear the murderer of the king in quarters by horses while he’s being eaten from the inside by burning rats (don’t call the {R]SPCA – they’ve been scented in myrrh); the point is to show him that he deserves to be.  And so, I propose a list of things that you can come up with, things which sadly, due to that whole ‘law’ thing that people find so popular, will be non-violent in nature.  I’m not above short-sheeting his bed.  No, he’d find that ‘retro’.  Damn.

You’ll come up with something.

Who left that 1964 Fred Perry out of doors?  The foldlines could be permanent!.  Let me seize the shirt before Ralph Lauren sees it, copies it to make his new fall line, and then pays me a million dollars to make a commercial featuring it!’

Editor’s Note: Since we have no legal standing to encourage the harming of Mr. Anderson, let us please clarify that the deadly bear trap depicted above was constructed of candy canes and bunny kisses.  Whether or not the bunnies were raised on a diet of higher and higher doses of hallucinogenic amazonian frog secretions until such compound was actually contained in said adorable bunny saliva, it is impossible to ascertain from the picture.

Editor’s note, part II: Editor takes no legal responsibility for any harm done to Mr. Anderson due to suggestions, implications or orders taken from this post.   He may, however, take some pleasure.

Editor’s note, part III: Editor is further aware that no will bother with a comment, thereby actually indemnifying Editor. Thank you obscurity!